Lesann Berry

Much of the time, the craziness that is our personal experience only sounds that way to other people. When you’re busy living through those events, somehow it all seems…normal. Well, okay, most of it.

Some of the speculation left in the comments had me crying with laughter, but I still maintain I’ve never been a bad-ass like Natalie Hartford or done nearly as many naughty things as  Tameri Etherton. Of course if this was on Facebook the results would have included some contritbutions from the peanut gallery.

Which is why it’s here. *wink*

So, let’s get on with this…

#1 I blew through the Canadian/US border without stopping my car.

This is TRUE. It actually wasn’t my car and I wasn’t driving. A friend and I had gone to Vancouver, Canada for the day and on the way back south were chatting and jabbering and not really paying much attention. She blew through the checkpoint shortly before midnight. It was New Year’s Eve, not much was happening, no other cars present. I thought sure the uniformed guard would chase us down but he just raised his hand and saluted as we went past. This was of course, before the country lost it’s mind about security issues. I miss the good ol’ days. *sigh*

#2 I carried a Choctaw blowgun from Oklahoma to California on an airplane.

This is TRUE. I’d gone to Oklahoma City for a conference and afterwards a friend and I traveled to visit family in various tribal communities. We did a lot of shopping and brought our loot back via the plane. This was long before TSA, strip checks, pat downs, sniffers, scanners, etc., and nobody paid any attention when we carried it through the airport. The pilot wanted a demonstration, so with a little puff of air we shot a dart through a seatback. Air travel was more fun back then. I miss that.

#3 I stole a dead horse.

This is TRUE. Now some of you are probably wondering why would she want a dead horse?! Well…bones are very useful for comparative taxonomy. Back in the day when I was busy sorting faunal remains in the lab, having comparative skeletal material is mighty useful. When you need to figure out what sort of animal was being eaten/used or present in an archaeological sense, bones come in handy. I work with both prehistoric and historic site materials and the horse was a great find. It was also completely skeletonized so we piled the pieces inside a giant blue cooler and made off with it, uttering gleeful hoots and cries. Good visual, eh?

#4 I got thrown off a pier into the Pacific Ocean.

This is TRUE. Yep. Let me tell you that the Pacific Ocean is chilly. It is even colder at midnight when your dumbass friends throw you over the rail. The second time is actually warmer because your body is already half-numb. We were teenagers, it seemed funny. It WAS funny. It was also darn cold. I scared the beejezus out of a clod of sealions when I slithered up out of the surf onto the crabbing platform. The second time I body-surfed to shore and locked everyone out of the car. Payback.

#5 I walked the entire length of the Appalachian Trail.

This is FALSE. Ha ha ha! I’ve walked parts of it, but not the entire length and I never will because I’m not into physical activity that is designed to crush your will to live. We’re talking more than 2,000 miles, and that’s only if you stick to the National Trail Route. You’re “supposed” to do it all at one time too, or according to the psychopaths who get off on such things, it doesn’t count. Instead I have plans to murder a bevy of characters along there one of these days…

#6 I married one of my students.

This is TRUE. I know! I know! All I can say is…he was an “older” student. Just for clarification, I teach college – it’s not like I squandered his teen years (I’m terribly tempted to wave at my Diabolical Aunt right here…*waving*). I don’t even qualify for Honorary Cougar status. We actually had our first date after the school session ended…a date which lasted five weeks, covered twenty states, five Canadian provinces, 10K miles, and an amazing amount of roadkill. After that, I knew he was a keeper. Some day I’ll tell the story of what my grandpa had to say about that trip.

#7 I woke up with a rattlesnake in my sleeping bag.

This is TRUE. Nobody wants to believe this, but snakes are sluggish when they’re cold, and it was cold that night. I woke up and the sleeping bag had draped off the edge of the cot and in that fold of fabric was a big old diamond back rattlesnake. I blinked. My heart stopped and then my brain shrugged and I went back to sleep. He was gone in the morning. I was a teenager, you do dumb shit like that…besides I knew I couldn’t get out of the sleeping back without jostling him around. I also found a toad on my pillow one morning, but that’s a different story in a different state.

#8 I got trapped by a flash flood.

This is TRUE. I was in Arizona and the event took place in the aptly-named Canyon Del Muerto (that’s the Canyon of Death, in case you missed that). On a field excursion with a friend (yes, she figured in a number of adventures because fewer and fewer people will go vacationing with me), we got caught in a freak thunderstorm. The river rose eight feet in fifteen minutes and we had to take shelter in an Anasazi ruin. After we refused to climb the Anasazi handholds up the side of this enormous cliff (I’m not even stupid enough to think about trying that). The locals sent some Navajo boys down the cliff (?!?!) to lead us out of the canyon. We crossed the swollen river on horseback and I’ll never forget the sparks thrown by the horse’s shoes as we scaled the steep switchback trail in the moonlight.

#9 I once dated three guys at the same time.

This is FALSE. Have you lost your mind? I hated dating. Utterly detested the process. Getting involved in the whole interview-reject-next process with more than one person at a time is something only crazy people would do! Certifiable. This makes me twitch just to think about. The last guy who expressed interest I told straight up, I’m not interested in a boyfriend, I’m looking for a husband. It worked.

#10 I earned the highest score on the writing exam in my high school.

This is TRUE. I was a freshman and every grade level had to take this writing assessment test. I wrote some nonsense about the beach and riding horses, blah, blah. Except I included dialogue, description, a story, related events, and used all the appropriate grammatical parts that English teachers swoon over. I don’t know if they still have the test but I know I held the record for the history of the event at that school. I wonder if an agent would care? lol

So there you are, er, there I am. By and large I’m a law-abiding citizen. Occasionally I poke at the social boundaries, test the ideational logic behind a rule, but mostly I just go on about my business. I’ve yet to be arrested, although I have seen the inside of a few police cars…but that’s another story.

Just for the record being arrested, incarcerated, prosecuted, deported, etc. are NOT on my list of things to do.

So who’s next?

Were you surprised? …or did you anticipate all the answers? Who’s next on the chopping block list? What are you willing to divulge? Better yet, what are you unwilling to share?